Below The Fold

*(with all apologies to Sun Tzu, Joseph Heller, et al…)

1. Even if it looks like strawberry syrup and smells like strawberry syrup, it still tastes like shampoo.

2. Just because you learned to share doesn’t mean everyone else did.

3. The best way to eliminate an enemy is to make them a friend.

4. People have an astounding capacity for many things: love, generosity, genius, hatred, selfishness and stupidity chief among them. Oh, and poo.

5. We all need heroes.

6. Being a Jew is cool.

7. Everyone thinks they’re a good driver. Even Asian women.

8. The only thing worse than ignorant racism is educated political correctness.

9. The definition of insanity is attempting the same action over and over again while expecting different results.

10. The laws of inertia always have much greater impact on a car with rear-wheel drive.

11. Never date a woman named after a month or a season.

12. Perception is reality. Even when it’s so not.

13. The only thing more pathetic than a no-talent has-been is a talented never-was.

14. I do not have the capacity for cold-blooded cruelty—I have far too much capacity for hot-blooded vengeance.

15. A charming smile will get you a lot further than an angry scowl.

16. Never treat the person handling your food with anything but respect.

17. Eggs do not last forever in the refrigerator.

18. Just because you’re right doesn’t mean you necessarily get to win.

19. Never apologize. Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe you anyway.

20. The downside of growing is realizing how stunted you used to be.

21. Treat every gun like it’s loaded, every woman like she’s crazy.

22. Don’t lose sleep over something you can’t control. Unless it’s your own bladder.

23. There are few things more humbling than not being able to control half your face for six months.

24. How good a movie is will be in direct inverse proportion to the number of previews shown before it starts.

25. Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

26. It’s easy being the best when you’re surrounded by mediocrity. That doesn’t mean you’re anything special, though.

27. The worst trait you can have is a sense of entitlement.

28. It’s easier to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission.

29. I wish I knew 10 years ago what I know today.

30. The measure of a man is not how he handles his successes, but how he handles his failures.